So, here's the truth, I'm not really a big eater. But when in Rome, do as the Romans do and when at China Buffet; eat a lot of fucking shit! Honestly though, for me, the China Buffet wasn't as much a food frenzy as it was a taste testing extravaganza. While I didn't quite eat the entire place out of business (I'm instantly reminded of a scene from "The Nutty Professor" in which the Nutty family visits a buffet establishment leaving nothing but the salad bar, untouched), I would like to submit my five favorite China Buffet delights.
I'd like to start my list with the best part of the entire experience; the Asian staff who somehow copes with the disgusting grazing behavior of American eaters, on a daily basis. They are a proud people and you have to give it up to them because they pump out a lot of culinary delights (120 of them, in this instance). From the matronly buffet surveyor who patrolled the endless docks of food, microphone in hand (I thought it was Wing at first), informing the kitchen staff which troths were running low, to the host, a young man with an anime haircut playing with his iPhone and the bubbly waitresses who somehow deal with idiots thinking they can't speak English (example; A man yelling "IS THIS RICE PUDD-ING", I swear), I salute you.
4. Lo Mien
I once knew a girl who was proposed to in front of a China Buffet. She said yes. You can't fuck up Lo Mien.
Obviously the China Buffet was made with the fickle in mind. Have you ever ordered something at a restaurant to only salivate when you see someone's order at the next table, and you literally kick yourself for ordering the Chicken Finger Basket when you could have had the Fillet Mignon stuffed with gold leaf? This always happens to me. China Buffet solves this problem because if you don't like something you get, you just walk up and get something else. Wasteful? Certainly. The American Dream? You bet!
2. My family's enthusiasm
Like I said in part I, I only went to the China Buffet because my brother totally flips a shit when he goes there and it is hilarious. My Dad also proved to be a laugh riot when he spent an hour eating crab legs, issuing Dad-isms such as; "Did you bring a magazine? A book? We're gonna be here for a while."
1. Fortune Cookies
1. Fortune Cookies
Crossing food with fate has been a cornerstone of Asian cuisine for ages. The fortune cookie, while not the epitome of tastiness provides the perfect end note to a China Buffet experience. Also, as the maturity level of my family is at about a .002, the fortune is always taken to the next level with a good old fashioned "in bed"/"except in bed" zinger.
EXCEPT IN BED!